


Pick Your Poison (read the fine print)

by GenericUsername01



Series: Incubus! Crowley [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Christian Mythology, Demonology, Gen, Hell, Succubi & Incubi, demonic heirarchy, hell's bureaucracy, i don't mean bible stories or anything, incubus/succubus crowley, like for real medieval christian myths, this is just worldbuilding?, yes crowley's an incubus no theres no smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 20:28:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20570390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GenericUsername01/pseuds/GenericUsername01
Summary: It was first week in Hell, and several thousand too many demons had Fallen because they had personally challenged God. Each of the seven princes represents one of the seven deadly sins, and well, Lucifer is more than maxed out. Pride is no longer an open career option.Crowley had never considered a future as a sex demon, but well, he never considered doing any of this, did he?





	Pick Your Poison (read the fine print)

**Author's Note:**

> Kay so like. Different sources will give you different info on who the seven princes of Hell are and which sins they represent. Some ideas are universally excepted (Lucifer = Pride, Mammon = Greed) some are not (Beelzebub = ??). I started looking into this in depth like a year ago for a couple of other projects, and this is what I came up with as the general consensus, this is the most common, repeated interpretation.
> 
> I /know/ Crowley says Ashtaroth in the show, but I'm gonna spell it Astaroth okay? I'm right. Also 'sloth' is a pretentious, antiquated word. It's just fucking laziness. Just say laziness
> 
> Also I can't call him Crawly through this whole fic I'll die. Consider it a minor au
> 
> None of the succubus lore is made up, those are their real powers and stuff

Crowley was facedown, submerged in a bare six inches of burning sulfur, waiting for his body to drag its parts back into the correct positions. Broken bones shifted into alignment. Torn skin and muscle patched itself together. The ichor in his veins started pumping again, and he was covered in the stuff. Gold rapidly turning to black, angelic ichor tainted and poisoned into demon ichor.

He pushed himself off the pool floor and stood up in the flames. The Pit's fires reached shockingly high, up to brush the cavernous ceiling of Hell's lowest level, a good eighty feet, at least.

And oh, the hellfire was nice, it felt beautiful and warm and replenishing, and some part of Crowley knew deep down that he would never feel warm again without it.

He braced himself, and stepped out of the flames.

Other demons were doing the same, crawling and dragging their bodies out of the Pit, sobbing tears red like human blood or snarling, hissing and looking for a fight. Some, it seemed, had already found it. A number of demons were screaming, shouting their grievances and threats up at the sky.

A few people, at least, were trying to get the crowd under control. Brutally.

A short demon whose face looked vaguely familiar stood up on a rock and whistled shrilly. _"Listen!" _they bellowed, and oh, holy shit, was that _Beelzeble?_ Beelzeble, the Princess of Heaven, had Fallen? "Everybody needs to form a line. Those who do not form a line quickly enough will be stabbed in one of their limbs until they do. Lines should be directed towards either Dagon or Lucifuge. You will tell them your name, desired rank, reason for Falling, and what you think qualifies you for the position. That is all."

* * *

Within three days, the princes had risen to their positions by viciously discorporating anyone who thought they shouldn't be a prince, and Samael was universally agreed upon to be king over them all. He had happily embraced the title of Satan. A throne was in the process of being built.

There were seven princes, one for each of the seven deadly sins. They thought that was a good idea, to make sure that each sin was covered equally. There had been a few stragglers to the Fall over the past few days, but the angels had eventually sniffed them all out, and now the numbers stood at an even 10 mil to 10 mil. To make sure everything was perfectly fair and even, each prince would reign over 1.4 million demons. Each prince would have six dukes answer to them, with each duke having just over 200,000 demons under their command. Each duke would have 666 legions under their command, each headed up by a marquess, and with about 358 demons per legion.

Crowley applied to be one of the unranked masses in the hopes that he would be left alone and not have to deal with any other demons.

It was four days after he Fell when he finally got his papers back.

NAME: Crowley --- _approved_

DESIRED RANK: none --- _approved_

REASON FOR FALLING: apostasy --- _subset of Pride. Prince Lucifer's domain. FULL, categorized UNSORTED_

QUALIFICATIONS: none :) --- _>:( pls make an effort Crowley_

He slapped the papers down on Dagon's desk. Dagon had a desk now. "Hi, what the fuck does this mean?"

She picked up his papers boredly and looked down her nose at them. She sighed. "Prince Lucifer's domain reached max capacity two days ago. All remaining demons who committed prideful sins are currently considered unsorted until they pledge allegiance to a different prince of their choice. Sign-up sheets can be found on that wall over there."

"That's ridiculous! I questioned God to her face! To everybody's face-- I made a huge scene! I questioned Her justice, Her right to rule, Her authority, everything! That's the vainest, most presumptuous, self-righteous thing ever! No one's more prideful than me. I'd like to submit this speech as evidence of my vanity." He knocked his fist on her desk. "Can't you bump some less prideful demon off the list and put me in their place."

"No."

"But--"

"N̵̛͖̝͑͒̇͒O̴̡͔̻̳̤̒̏." Dagon cleared her throat. "Listen. I kind of want to gouge your eyes out right now. There is nothing to stop me from gouging your eyes out. When Beelzebub asked me to cover the help desk today, ze specifically gave me a rusty spoon to use if people asked too many stupid or annoying questions. Now. Do you have anything relevant to say, or are you going to be moving along?"

Crowley glared at her, but Dagon was completely unfazed.

"Fine," he snarled. "I'll just go sign up for--"

"Laziness is filled," Dagon said. "As of about two hours ago. Prince Astaroth has met her quota."

"Are you _kidding me?!"_

"Do you have any idea how many goddamn, no-good demons around here rebelled 'cause it was like, some shitty fad and they don't actually give a shit about anything at all except looking cool? Do you have any idea how many passionless, apathetic assholes there are down here? They don't wanna work. They don't have any skills. They don't even give an honest shit about the cause."

"And why can't I bump one of them from pride again?"

"Fuck you. Get out of my face."

Crowley hissed and flipped her the bird as he left.

Stupid Hell, stupid hellish bureaucracy, stupid Dagon, stupid every other demon. All the other sins sucked? Crowley didn't want to do them? Especially for the rest of his life, as a career, dear _Satan._

He walked over to the stupid sign-up sheets on the stupid wall in stupid Hell.

LUCIFER - PRIDE **_FILLED_**

MAMMON - GREED Hello, demons! Do you want wealth and riches beyond your wildest dreams? Do you lie awake at night and think of capitalism? Have you ever thought that being a dragon lying atop a hoard of riches would actually be sorta sick? Do you want to arbitrarily decide if humans live or die, and exercise that power over them like a tyrant? Do you want to live a life of utter decadence and luxury, free from the rough work and gloom of Hell? Sign up to be a capitalist greed-dragon demon today and Get Rich Quick!!

ASMODEUS - LUST Note: by signing this form, you are agreeing to be permanently altered into a sex demon, AKA incubus/succubus. Sex demons can shift form at will between male/female and human/demonic, or create a blend of any of these. Sex demons can passively perceive the lustful thoughts of all those around them. Sex demons feed off the sexual energy of those around them and require this energy for sustained existence. Please note that Prince Asmodeus does not support forced acts. Temptations can be performed without sexual contact, and acts that humans do not willfully and lustily choose will not count as successful temptations and will be held against you. The murder or otherwise punishment of overly horny people is encouraged. Any hybrid children resulting from a union are your own responsibility and Hell is under no obligation to them or you whatsoever. We do offer parental leave.

LEVIATHAN - ENVY Theft is good and fun! I think of shoplifting as a hobby. Sometimes being petty and instagram-stalking someone is warranted, especially if they're dating your ex. Someday, lots of cultures all around the world will have stories of envious demons, and we can each do our part to contribute to that. Lucifuge says I need to put a few warnings here so that my department doesn't get sued, so here goes nothing (haha): Envy demons can never be satisfied by anything. They will never have enough food, enough water, enough clothes, enough love, enough attention. You will go through your life always wanting, perpetually feeling hungry and thirsty and alone and neglected no matter what you do or how much stuff you surround yourself with. But it's not that bad, really. Please sign up! :^)

BEELZEBUB - GLUTTONY I eat stuff. Not always food. You can eat stuff too. Sign down below.

ASTAROTH - LAZINESS _**FILLED**_

ABADDON - WRATH !!! Chances to go apeshit! You never have to be nice again! Forget the wrath of God, this is the wrath of _Hell, _and we don't need a reason! But if you want, you can pick a reason, and terrorize the Earth over it! Hell yeah! Wrath demons are called Furies and we fuckin rule!! ABADDON 4EVR!!!!!

Crowley frowned.

There was only like two masochists signed up for envy. He had to wonder how many demons had been genuinely _assigned_ there, without a choice. He shuddered. Sounded terrible. He may hate himself, but even he likes a bit of reprieve now and then. That was definitely out.

Also Abaddon's gang of over-jacked, hormone-fueled Furies. Whatever the fuck was going on there, Crowley wanted no part of it. He hadn't rebelled against Heaven just to _hurt _people.

That left Mammon, Asmodeus, and Beelzebub. Greed, lust, and gluttony.

Without looking at it too closely, Crowley dismissed Mammon from his mind, though that sheet seemed to have a lot of signatures. It appeared that greed was an appealing sin to the displaced pride-demons.

Lust had a lot of signatures too, though not quite as many.

Beelzebub. Asmodeus. Who did he want to be his prince?

Gluttony sounded fairly easy. So far, the food available to humans consisted of fruit, vegetables, fruit juice, and water. Crowley could just eat an apricot once a week and call it done. It wouldn't be that different from being a laziness demon, he had to imagine.

Lust would be more work, he'd have to actually make in effort-- in more ways than one. On the one hand, it came with powers, but on the other-- the ability to _die, _of natural causes, of energy starvation-- that was one hell of a weakness. No other demons had that. Even the envy demons, perpetually starving, will never be starving enough that they die of it.

He imagined it was a lot of going around and looking cool, hearing the horny thoughts of those around and acting in such a way as to feed them.

The thing about the seven deadly sins is that not a single one of them is an action. They're all emotions. To feel that emotion and indulge it, even just a little bit, is to sin. The action that Crowley performed that got him banished from Heaven was apostasy, but he wouldn't have committed that apostasy in the first place if it hadn't been rooted in the pride within his heart.

And you know, the more he thought about it, the more similar lust and pride seemed, just like two sides of the same coin. He supposed the technical opposite of pride would be envy. Even without the curse it came with, it would be remarkably unappealing.

Following Beelzebub would be easier, following Asmodeus would be more _fun._

He lit hellfire from his fingertip and signed his sigil, sparking, on the dotted line.


End file.
